Bernice Goldblum
“The Evil Ann Landers”
Dear Bernice,
Please help! My mother in law just gave me the most hideous set of silverware I have ever seen. It isn’t like it is cheap-it is real SILVER. And it is AWFUL. It’s like putting in your mouth with a silver shovel. It simply does not go with my china and glassware, which are very tasteful I might add-family heirlooms passed down from my great grandmother. I simply cannot believe that I will have to set the table at family get-to-gethers with these atrocities.
How do I not insult belle mere?
Appalled and Disgusted
Dear Disgust,
Oy, you are talking to a woman whose inherited tableware from her family is a set of melamine that has spaghetti stains on it. But I can relate to the having an ugly gift from an in-law. Mother in law 2 gave me a complete set of cranberry cape cod glass tableware inclusive of godawful Henry the VIII sort of goblets in a variety of sizes and all the serving dishes. She must have made some Avon woman extremely wealthy. Are you getting the picture? Do you know how I got rid of it? I divorced her son.
If that seems a bit over the top, you could say that someone broke in and stole it; then melt it down and sell it for cash. You have that option. Not so much with the Cape Cod glass 400 piece tableware set. That would be a real feat for a burglar to get out of the house with all that and not break it to pieces.
That brings up an interesting thought, are you SURE it is really silver? If your pet name for your mother in law is really “Gargoyle” and not Belle Mere you could really score a coup if you had it appraised and found out it really wasn’t real silver….or you could just tell her how disappointing it is for her that it is silver plated whether it really is or not. Then SHE would never want you to use it because it would be humiliating to her. Now, me, I would use it all the time and be certain to tell everyone how you love it even though poor Belle Mere was ripped off since it isn’t the real deal.
But that’s me.
My pet name for mother in law 2 WAS gargoyle.
***
Dear Bernice,
I am just stunned. I am fairly certain that my 14 year old son is “self pleasuring” himself. He has started locking the bathroom door now when he showers because he said it is embarrassing to him the way I check on him while he is in there to make sure he is OK and didn’t fall down or drown or something. And he is in the shower for a very long time-how dirty can a 14 year old get?
I really wouldn’t have been so concerned until I found a lewd magazine in his room-I’m ashamed to say it was an “Esquire” and it had a very shameless, scantily clad young woman on the front.
All this to me adds up to something I just can’t think about.
How do I get him to stop?
Mortified Mother
Dear Morti Mom,
How do you get your son to stop beating off?
A lobotomy.
Seriously, he’s 14 years old, he’s full of hormones and what else do you want him to do-get a hooker? Yuck they have diseases.
To paraphrase Robert Heinlein, masturbation is clean, convenient and you don’t have to go home in the cold.
Get over it.
And maybe he really DID lock the bathroom door to keep you out-crying in a kerchief he is 14 he isn’t likely to drown in the shower. Give the kid some space.
And while I’m on a roll you think Esquire is smutty? I don’t think any of my sons could have gotten off to anything that you can see in that magazine. He probably reads the articles.
Kids today go to the internet for porn.
You need to look at his internet history though to make sure he is choking the chicken to normal regular porn like “Barely Legal Sluts” or “Big Titted Whores” and not anything that involves animals or stuff like that.
***
Dear Bernice,
My life is over. My boyfriend is cheating with my BFF. WTF?
I thought we were 4eva.
My 3> is breaking.
I8her.
ILhim.WTD? – Sadgirl MadGirl
Dear DA,
That is my abbreviation for Dumb Ass.
Let me tell you a story.
Believe it or not Bernice was once young.
And had friends.
And she, shameless as it is to admit, cheated with a very good friend’s boyfriend.
And she hated me for years.
Finally, enough years went by and we both figured out that this boy gave both of us nothing but grief and a couple of venereal diseases (that’s what we called them back in the day-you all would know them by STDs)
We lost 33 years of camaraderie and friendship over a guy that neither one of us would give two plug nickels for today.
So GOI.
You must remember this, a dick is just a dick, a BFF is 4eva.
***
Dear Bernice,
I know you hate etiquette questions but this is more of a grammatical question.
What is the proper way to respond to “How are you”.
My friend and I are arguing over this. I says “I’m well” is correct while she believes “I’m fine” or “I’m good” or I’m doing OK” are also correct.
What say you?
Conan the Grammarian
Dear Conan,
You are correct-“I’m well” is correct. One should also add “and you?” since one should also care about the questioner as well.
Let me say this about that, I prefer “how they hanging Bubba”. To which the proper answer is “loose and to the left”
It’s all a matter of perspective
Move on kiddo.
***
Dear Bernice,
We just don’t know what to do. Our 30 year old son has just told us that he is a homosexual. I just cannot tell you how devastated my husband Morry (not his real name) and I are.
What will the rest of the family think? How about our friends?
My son is so handsome and successful-he would make some girl so very happy. We’ll never see him get married or have a family.
What do we do Bernice?
Befuddled in Bedford
Dear Befuddled,
You probably wouldn’t be so confused if you pulled your head out of your ass. So what your son is gay (they prefer this to homosexual, homo, faggot, etc you need to learn the lingo).
As to the part how he won’t make some girl very happy he’s going to make some man very happy. What’s it matter what parts they have? As long as they’re healthy and happy. Isn’t that what we say when they’re born? Applies here, too albeit in a somewhat different manner.
And missing a wedding, again, I tell you get that head out of your poopshoot and look around you. Gay couples marry. And marry lavishly most of the time. Those guys know how to throw a party I am telling you.
And here’s another thing you might not have heard about while giving yourself a colonoscopy, gay couples adopt. This is your chance to get to pick out the kind of grandchild you want-boy, girl, Asian, African, you name it the world is your oyster.
The other people in the family and friends? They need to get over it. Everyone has something (or someone) in their own closets. If they don’t like it then they should go lick a goose or something.
The only reason you won’t get to see any of the things you want to see in your son’s future is if you don’t take my opening words of advice.
Be happy! Myself, I would love to have a gay husband for ex husband number 4-a gay son would be almost as good.
***
Dear Bernice,
I am a 24 year old virgin. My boyfriend, who I have been dating for 2 years now is pressuring me to take our relationship to the next level by which he means having sex. I am old fashioned and I want to wait until I get married to have sex.
How do I make him understand?
Chaste in Chelsea
Dear Chaste,
You don’t want to have the sex then don’t have the sex. Hand him some KY, a box of kleenex and a Victoria’s Secret catalog and tell him to pressure his hand, not you.
As to making him understand why you want to hang on to your virginity you might as well try explaining quantum theory to my dogs for crying out loud. Men do not think of this as a virtue honey in fact men cannot wait to loose their virginity. I have yet to meet a man that says he was older than 12 when he lost it. I think maybe they all had a really vivid wet dream cause I never have and never will buy this whole I was 12 business but all that being said men see nothing good at all about remaining a virgin. They made a movie about it you might recall and it was not a drama.
I digress.
But Bernice must say this about that, you have been dating this guy for two years and it he is still your boyfriend then I say move on. I had a friend once, Dolores, she dated a guy for 12 years. He never moved up from boyfriend to fiance. She finally put the pressure on him to get married. He ran like a rabbit. Twelve years with this man and she winds up with bupkus.
Not to say that I think that you should go from first date to engaged in 0 to 60 seconds or anything like that but 2 years is long time for anyone out of high school to still be “dating” a guy or having a boyfriend-girlfriend sort of relationship.
I think you probably need to kick this one to the curb or else you’ll wind up like Dolores.
You are right that people think it is old fashioned to want to wait for marriage before have the sex. Some don’t even wait for marriage to have a baby…or babies even. In fact people probably think you are not merely old fashioned but more like an antique…or an artifact. Paah I say to them and kudos to you for having your principles and sticking to them. Some man will be very fortunate. But not this one.
Move on kiddo.
Dear Bernice,
My whole family is in disagreement over this so please help us to settle this argument. When an invitation says RSVP does it mean that you should only call if you are coming or that you should only call if you aren’t coming or that you should call no matter what?
N A Quandary
Dear NA
First of all what is with the etiquette questions? Who do you think I am? Did you mean to send this to Miss Manners and mailed it to me on accident? This is an OPINION column. And here is mine-you all must be a pack of morons to be arguing over this. Bet you run with sharp objects. Do us all a favor and trip.
Chainsaw Magazine 