By
Rex Washington
(transcribed by Ellis Jones)
I saw the mound of blow on the desk in his room and my mouth watered and my eyes got real big and i felt that feeling like you gotta take a shit. Rex saw my eyes light up and he said
Eli Jones! Step right up and try you some, i just cracked into this dragon egg, if you leave here sober its your own damn fault.
He chopped up a big line,i sniffed it, and my whole face went numb. Like i swallowed a shot glass of lidocaine. I thought my teeth fell out of my head.
Rex horked a line back
So rex what do you want your first article to be about?
I was thinking, conspiracies.
Like an article about conspiracy theories?
Ha! “Theories”. Rex made air quotes with a scoff. Eli its 2026, the epstein files have been released there is no such thing as a Conspiracy “theory” any more just conspiracies. In 2016 If i had told you an evil kabal of pedophile baby eaters ran the world you would have called me crazy and rightfully so. But it aint 2016.
We all took some more of the mind numbing marching powder. And Rex continued to rant.
He said. you ever heard of the C-I-A Eli?
yea the government spy thing right?
Bingo. The Central Intelligence Agency or (C-I-A) is a government agency responsible for gathering intelligence and conducting covert operations. It operates under the authority of the Director of National Intelligence and is tasked with protecting national security interests. Former USAF Colonel Jim Sanders, after a distinguished 25-year career in the United States Air Force, joined the CIA as a top operative. His extensive military background and expertise made him an invaluable asset to the agency. Sanders’ role within the CIA involved executing high-risk missions, gathering critical intelligence, and supporting national security objectives. Despite the inherent dangers and challenges associated with his work, Sanders demonstrated unwavering dedication and a commitment to the mission. His career trajectory serves as a testament to the demanding nature of CIA operations and the caliber of individuals required for such roles.
I was at a surf camp in an undisclosed location in South America. When i stumbled upon a cia black sight. I was looking for a place to take a piss and i startled a cia agent. agent sanders.
He needed a light. He had been interrogating some guy, a notorious triad gang leader, and needed a light so he could get stoned. One thing every body knows is… Torturing is easier when you are high. So we smoked some of his G13 government weed. It was some gooood shit. Man. we hung out and bull shitted and got stoned to the bone and right before he was getting ready to leave he pulled a gun and held it to my head and said dont tell any body about this. Im cia. This is a government gig i could lose my job. I shouted, ARE ALIENS REAL? He started belly laughing at me. He said. You thought i was gonna blow your brains out, which i was gonna do, and the only thing you think to ask is are aliens real?
Yea. he started belly laughing again. You know what Rex my boy youre alright. We parted ways. I could hear the screams of his torturee as i walked back through the jungle to camp.
Get the fuck outta here Rex there is no fucking way. You are making this shit up.
Eli my boy if I’m lying I’m flying i might be high as a kite on this cocaine but im sitting here on the same planet earth as you. bound by the same laws of gravity as you. And one more thing if you ever call me a fucking liar again ill fucking kill you. Ill try every thing under the sun 2 or three times. But one thing Tyrannasaurus rex dont do is work on a monday. Ask your brother geary. And ill never tell a lie or play cards with a guy with two first names. Woooooooo! 17 time world champion nature boy rick flare is gonna put these alligators up your ass if you even hint at me saying anything but the truth.
Alright alright im sorry. So what happened?
Where?
At surf camp.
Camp? I look like a fuckin boy scout to you?
No dude, the fucking surf camp and the cia guy…
Oh yea. Shit yea i remember now it was our last night on the beach at surf camp in a place i cant talk about. i was alone while everyone else swam and strolled along the shore. Agent Sanders appears almost out of nowhere. He just dropped by to give me a gift. In his hand was a large billow folder with evidence of all the government’s shady dealings in his time at the agency and then some. He was retiring and moving to Cabo to start a deep sea fishing charter. He didnt care anymore but he knew i did so he gave me the folder and told me not to do anything too stupid with the information. Then Agent Sander pulled out a couple of bottles of rum and a boulder of the finest Peruvian cocaine i have ever seen in my life. Everyone staying at the camp showed up right when Agent Sanders was hacking a machete into this large mass of the devil’s dandruff. So we had a big going away party and drank rum and did lines and smoked herbs and cooked food and at the end of the night me and Agent Sanders were the last men standing going shot for shot on white rum smoking cigarettes inside of a canvas tent. It was there that Agent sanders told me things about the world that the US government is hiding from the public that i will never forget. He told me the earth is hollow. That there is a utopian society down there where kurt cobain, biggie, Tupac and a 2000 year old magician named “wildfire”. Jesus and the easter bunny live there too and you arent gonna like this but hitler is there too and hes on dishes. Hitler is in the dish pit in the center of the earth for all of eternity. And if you ever read the bible you know jesus loves to eat fish. You ever done the dishes at a seafood restaurant? Smelled old clam chowder and cleaned fish tales out of grease traps? Yea me neither. But if i were a gambling man which i am not id put everything on that being a real shit job.
rex and doing big shots of liquor rex does a key bump and says…
John dillenger. Name ring a bell? John Dillinger was a notorious gangster during the early 1930s. He was born on June 22, 1903, in Indianapolis, Indiana. Dillinger became involved in criminal activities at a young age and quickly rose to prominence as a bank robber. He was known for his daring escapes from law enforcement and his ability to elude capture. Dillinger’s gang, which included members such as Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd, carried out a series of high-profile robberies across the Midwest. However, Dillinger’s criminal career came to an end on July 22, 1934, when he was shot and killed by FBI agents outside the Biograph Theater in Chicago. Despite his violent and criminal lifestyle, Dillinger remains a legendary figure in American crime history.
Simple fact is… john dillinger lived in a manufactured home somewhere on the Tennessee/North Carolina border. He lived into his eighties working as a produce specialist at the red lion grocery store. On the weekends he’d go for long hikes in the smoky mountains and in the winter he sculpted clay scale models of his favorite brutalist buildings. He had a dog named steven that suffered mange. One thing everybody knows is the guy that died that day in chicago was a stand in, a decoy, if you will. Sam Albright, dillinger had been using him for years to spread disinformation about himself and maybe fool some would be assassins. Which obviously worked.
Entirely unprompted, Rex continued his story from surf camp…Me and Agent Sanders finished the rum and i just floated in the lagoon and had the worst cocaine comedown of my life time. Not only was that the most potent substance i had ever ingested i now had to re configure how i saw myself in a universe filled with aliens, lizard people, jesus christ, immortal rap stars, Man, Agent Sanders told me other shit i dont think i should even repeat to yall… Man…alright fuck it i wasnt planning on living forever.. Simple fact is Anne Frank…well let me ask you a question. Who turned in anne frank? Or was it just a clever nazi detective? Well folks you arent going to like the answer the truth is Anne Frank. Turned herself in. she didnt write about this in her diary but she hated living in an attic. She was claustrophobic and a few of the other folks she lived with got very gassy when they got nervous and it being the holocaust they were always nervous to say the least. One day anne frank snapped she wrote a letter giving up their exact location. Tied it to the ankle of a messenger pigeon and that was that.
I’m saying it now and ill probably say it again. But what is in these files aint pretty. i hope you are here for the truth because as they say the truth shall set you free, well today folks it’s gonna get us shot twice in the back of the head and dumped in the everglades by a junior analyst.
Hana and i laughed and did another round of lines and shots of liquor.
I dont know rex im still having a hard time with this some of this doesnt add up.
Ellis jones im telling you.Yes. aliens are real and yes, Gucci Mane was cloned.
One thing everybody knows is that billionaire nemeses Elon musk and Jeff bezos are in a heated space race to colonize the moon, mars, and two of jupiter’s moons. Word on the street is elon bought an old russian space station slapped some paint on it and parked it half way to mars. “Musk and Co ‘space haberdashery and general store’ last tesla spacheip charging doc till mars”. Well the Texas tech-billionaire aerospace cold war went hot they called it the “lone star wars”. Bezos struck first delivering letter bombs to Elon’s laboratory and killing two interns. Elon responded my programming a fleet of kamikazee self driving teslas to attack amazon HQ and anyone wearing an amazon vest. Well that is where Agent sanders and Bedford Montrose came in to act as an intermediary. Every thing went fine with the mission and Elon agreed to putting a whole foods in the space station this pleased jeff and this ended the seven hours war of the early 2020s.
The Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, or Satan’s shoebox, has long been a subject of fascination and speculation. Numerous theories have been proposed to explain the mysterious disappearances of ships and aircraft in this region. One theory suggests that the Bermuda Triangle is a vortex, a swirling mass of energy that can trap and engulf unsuspecting vessels. Another theory posits that the area is plagued by unpredictable and violent weather patterns, including sudden storms and rogue waves, which can easily overpower ships and aircraft. Some researchers believe that the Bermuda Triangle is home to an underwater alien base, from which extraterrestrial beings launch their nefarious activities. Additionally, there are those who attribute the disappearances to magnetic anomalies, claiming that the region’s magnetic field interferes with navigational instruments, leading to confusion and accidents. Despite the allure of these theories, it is important to note that the majority of disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle can be attributed to more mundane factors, such as human error, equipment failure, and natural disasters. Nevertheless, caution is advised when navigating this area, and proper safety measures should always be taken to minimize the risks associated with its treacherous waters.
It aint just the bermuda triangle its the whole state of florida the intelligence agencies should be tried at the hague for the things they do to the people of florida. Cause they ran a muck in Florida. I’m talking about low altitude chemtrails, fluoride in the water, telepathic water moccasins, iguanas with small robots in their legs. Dont get me started on the acid trials on dolphins… the government still has eight dolphins from all over the state of florida, in a lab in Boca Raton that are fluent in spanish. Now how do you explain that?
Bull sharks. They have as much testosterone as a large land mammal. It says it right here in this file… uncle sammy was trying to grow some new kind of super soldier. Part man, part shark part brazillian river otter.
I chuckled while i choked a shot down.
Something funny Eli?
I mean yea why an otter i know they are brutal creatures but they arent sharks…
Laugh all you want mr. jones. But im not talking a cute little otter with a rock. Im talking about brazilian river otters the size of small mountain lions. You ever seen them on Nation Geographic?
No no i havent.
They have shoulders on them the size of a Division 1 running back. Very worthy adversary. Nothing funny about them.
They would give the sharks and otters a lot of testosterone and try to inseminate human females. But the trials failed, then they tried again in 1982, to get ready for 1984,
(you know, Like the book. They wanted to be ready for orwells predictions to come true.)
The trial failed and they still have not successfully bred a person with a bull shark. Unfortunately one of the bull sharks escaped from the lab where he was being held captive. He took a scientist hostage with a syringe full of bleach. That shark got back to the ocean and did a whole lot of fucking. Now the bull shark gene poole is tainted by an abundance of testosterone. I’m telling you Florida is the intelligence community’s romper room. Don’t get me started on oxycontin…fuck it ill get into it. The government gets everyone hooked on oxycontin. Then starts an illegal war after blowing up some prime real estate on its own soil for what? Go to Afghanistan and control what? The poppy fields. Then now that we got generations of Americans hooked on the shit we let a little fentanyl slip through the crack then what happened? BOOOM the PLAN demic. In the 12 step programs they say isolation is an addicts worst enemy. So now you got generations of people who are hooked on dope and then you release a new dope that will kill you if you do it ONE time ONE TIME and you are dead and then they tell all of these dope addicted americans to isolate? And that isnt a population control conspiracy? Not for nothin’ but If you believe that i got a bridge for sale its in brooklyn i can get you a good price.
Yea i called it a pLandemic! What are you gonna do about it? Look barrels of oil go down to its lowest price since our other illegal war in irak. Then what happens? America goes to war with russia, by proxy, to harsh out some hard-on biden has for russia, and BOOOM oil prices go sky high. You dont have to believe me, I bought two houses off that oil money right there. I used to change the prices on the sign at the gas station and i saw them going up and up in the early 2000s’. I told myself if it ever goes back down to something reasonable this is the move.
But dont get worried, I’m not on the right. Not even close. I’m a yellow dog democrat. I just call a spade a spade. I wouldnt be caught dead voting republican. Escpecially after that fucking joke that happened on Jan 6th at the capitol.(or as i like to call it the Carhartt uprising of 2021) That was a goddamed laughing stock. These republican jackasses played the bloodiest game of capture the flag to take place on american soil, since the south succeeded from the union. I hate cops as much as the next conspiracy wizard but the bear spray was a bit much and you already know how i feel about chemical warfare.
i bet you got something in those files about the moon landing or jfk?
Is there a mustache in mexico ellis? Does a one legged duck swim in a circle? Check this out Stanley Kubrick, is often associated with one of the most notorious conspiracy theories in modern history – the idea that he directed the fake moon landing film. While this theory has gained traction among a subset of individuals, it is important to note that there is no credible evidence to support such claims. Kubrick’s involvement in the Apollo moon landing hoax conspiracy theory is purely speculative and lacks any concrete proof. Thats what they say. And they sure do say a lot of things.
Critics of the conspiracy theory will say, it is crucial to understand the technological limitations of the 1960s. The space race between the United States and the Soviet Union was a fiercely competitive time, and the Apollo moon landing was a significant achievement for the United States. The idea that Kubrick, a filmmaker known for his meticulous attention to detail, was able to create a convincing moon landing film in secret seems far-fetched. The technical expertise required to fake such an event, including the realistic portrayal of lunar gravity, lighting, and the absence of atmosphere, would have been nearly impossible to achieve at that time.
I got it right here in Agent Sanders files. A canceled check to a Stanley K. from NASA and it says “M. landing” in the memo line.
You ever heard of the three tramps?
Nope.
well you aint gonna believe this shit…
The three tramps theory is a fascinating yet controversial aspect of the JFK assassination conspiracy theories. On November 22, 1963, three unidentified men were arrested and photographed near Dealey Plaza in Dallas, Texas, shortly after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. These men, who appeared to be disheveled and possibly homeless, were later dubbed the “three tramps” by researchers and conspiracy theorists. Speculation grew as conspiracy theorists began to suggest that these men could have been involved in the assassination plot. Some theories propose that the three tramps were actually
undercover CIA operatives or hired assassins who were used to divert attention away from the real perpetrators. Others believe that they were innocent bystanders caught up in the chaos of the day. The mystery surrounding the identities and potential involvement of the three tramps continues to captivate researchers and fuel further investigation into the true events surrounding the JFK assassination.
One thing everyone in texas knows is that woody harrelson’s daddy was the guy who drove the getaway car for the three tramps. And according to my sources in the agency it was actually them AND Oswald. Both of the shooters hit and killed former president kennedy at the same time. And a couple years after that woodys daddy was in a pinch and was going to give up the tramps. So they framed him for killing a federal judge.
You ever heard of the Nazca Lines in Peru? Its a massive geoglyphs etched into the desert floor that depict various animals and shapes, to many their purpose is still unknown. The file says its nothing more than an inter galactic road sign. See earth used to be a truck stop for aliens passing through to what is now referred to as the “burning earthling” festival. All of the aliens take a pilgrimage to watch an artists rendering of an earthling burn to the ground. It is in memory of the two spring breakers who lost their lives on vacation in new mexico in the fifties.
One thing everyone knows is that earth was an alien tourist attraction. You could come here and fuck a monkey or an octopus and be back at alien college refreshed after alien spring break. Simple fact is…earth was kinda like one of those zoos in china where you can pay an extra 50 bucks and feed a chicken to a tiger. One thing every body knows is one group of alien spring breakers came down and fucked an octopus. Then a couple other groups fucked some monkeys and then all those alien fuck babies fucked each other and you got people. Thats why they dont make contact with us, we are a species of mutated, out of control alien fuck babies with nukes and NFTs.
out In polk couny Florida we had an urban legend that there was this man in a van that would ride around and snatch up kids and then they would come back gerbil eyed and stare at the wall forever. Never happened to me. i was either too mean or too fat to kidnap. Plus i knew karate. I don’t care if you are a boogey man in the van nobody wants a ninja star to the eye or a round house kick to the ear.. You get desensitized to that kinda shit after a while. 80% of everything in florida is trying to kill you. Gators, snakes, men in vans, the police, dangerous gang members, drunk rednecks. The list goes on and on and i aint got all day. I used to fish off the sunshine skyway bridge in Saint Petersburg Florida and all the seasoned anglers would talk of a legendary great white hammerhead shark, they called, hitler. As big as a school bus, they said. meaner than a pissed on wasps nest, they said(a pissed on wasps nest is meaner than a pissed off wasps nest) i never believed in hitler. But the stories continued and the sources became more credible and then one day the news headline read “record breaking hammerhead caught near sunshine skyway bridge”. I ran to the news stand and sure enough as white as an alabaster butterfly and as big as a school bus and he was covered in blood but it didnt look like his blood, so he probably was as mean as the salty old fishermen had told of.
shape shifting reptilians, also known as reptoids or, for beginners, lizard people, are a popular conspiracy theory that claims certain individuals or groups of reptilian aliens are secretly controlling the world. Despite the lack of what some would call “credible evidence”, this theory has gained traction among some individuals. Or as i like to call them humans who have had their heads removed from their assholes. It is important to note that there is no scientific basis for the existence of shape shifting reptilians, and the idea is widely regarded as a baseless conspiracy theory. You know hwat i say i say fuck that shit aint no “scientific” evidence of jesus but i know…and hope…and wish real hard… that he is real.
THEY have always recommended to approach such claims with skepticism and rely on verifiable evidence when forming beliefs. But thats what the telepathic lizard people want you to do.
Look I knew a Hobo named charles. But we called him chuck. Chuck was a happy hobo. Chuck fought in vietnam. Now he just roamed the alley ways with a rake, raking pretty patterns in the seashells,
Chuck would do odd jobs around the neighborhood, and so did i, so Chuck and i, being colleagues and such, ended up having a lot of talks. Chuck told me about white dolphins in the mekong river delta, alien lumberjacks responsible for a ferngully-esque level of deforestation in laos and cambodia. Super soldiers made of part man, part brazilian river otter and yes cave dwelling shape shifting reptoids. Simple fact is that the reptilians can only shapeshift for so long before they gotta go underground to charge up their lizard batteries. This is why the US government wanted to colonize the area. Also there was a rent strike as the caves had not been maintained in millions of years and napalm was the only thing that scared the reptoids back to their holes. Simple fact is…all of the people in power in the west are just elaborate avatars created by the lizard people and the lizards just work in 24hour union style shifts. Donald trump? Naw its a team of twelve lizards that work in fireman style rotations. Punch in shapeshift to donny. Punch out you are a lizard again. There was a documentary in the 80s that former pro wrestler rowdy roddy piper made called “they live”. Simple fact is… after wrestling rowdy roddy wasnt so rowdy anymore and he decided to follow his childhood dream of making documentaries and exposing deep state conspiracies about satanic cults and flesh eating lizard people. In the film roddy exposed the lizard people and they sent an enforcer in human form to fight roddy in an alley. After what i would call a tie they became friends and sent the lizard people back to their caves in the jungles of indochina.
One thing everybody knows is…Jimmy Hoffa was killed by a barber, out on 8 mile road, not that fella that Bobby De nero played in that movie about an irish guy. The name escapes me. So lets just refer to it as the irish guy. The real “irish guy” and keeper of Jimmy”s secrets was Roscoe “Cuts” Malone or just cuts for short. They called him cuts cause he owned a barber shop with a deli next door. He loved cold cuts almost as much as he loved haircuts, the only thing he loved more than those two things was cutting deals, and the only thing he loved more than those three things was, cutting up the competition, and boy did he have a lot of competition, so business was good and it was cutting season. Truth be told…He had a pig farm on the upper peninsula, and he would feed his victims to the swine and then serve the best mortadella in detroit. Simple fact is Mr Hoffa had a unique interest in rare pornography. Nothing illegal, just weird. You know, weird. Cuts was Jimmy’s supplier. And when Jimmy’s wife found him with his dick in his hand and a belt around his neck, dead as a door knob, she called the police and the responding officer was sergeant Malone, who ran protection on his first cousin’s (twice removed) rare porno racket. It was over before it started. Hoffa was pig shit in 72 hours. Cuts Malone never served anytime for any of the murders he committed in the detroit/ann arbor area but was later jailed for various fish and game infractions and other aerospace violations. He died at an old age when he acquired a brain eating amoeba whilst swimming in lake michigan. But you didnt hear it from me… and if you tell anyone i told you this ill call you a fucking liar and never talk to you again.
The Voynich Manuscript, a centuries-old book written in an unknown script, has puzzled cryptographers and linguists for years. Rex looks through the file and says. Says right here in the file “ancient alien gardening instructions on how to grow righteous nugs”.
The mysterious disappearance of the Roanoke Colony in the late 16th century, known as the “Lost Colony,” has captivated historians and sparked countless theories. Rex shuffles some papers around and reads aloud The truth is everyone who lived at Roanoke absolutely hated john white. And so did the local native tribe. The villagers at roanoke begged and pleaded the local natives to kill him but the natives refused. He had done nothing wrong, he was just a dope. Simple fact is…the locals needed to borrow some supplies and were now in the debt of the roanokers and the mayor of Roanoke had to go they couldnt take another winter with this idiot. So the villagers had the locals hide some supplies for them. And they sent john white back to england to reup on dry goods, a trip that would take three years. And as soon as he left the good people of roanoke slipped out the back and down the coast and started New Roanoke. New roanoke and the natives are still good friends. They talk a number of times throughout the week but as for roanoke no one really knows what happened to roanoke.
The Tunguska event, in there. Thats a massive explosion in Siberia in 1908, flattened millions of trees over a vast area, but its cause remains a subject of debate. Rex says oh yea i know this one a couple of Siberian lumberjacks came upon a crashed alien craft. Drunk on vodka and fueled by intrigue the workers accidentally initiated its self-destruct sequence. Nobody talks about the small village wiped off the planet or the family of wolves and the two Siberian tigers that died in the blast. Just “flattened trees” make the headlines.
The mysterious Stonehenge in England, you know the prehistoric monument consisting of massive stone blocks arranged in a circle, continues to puzzle archaeologists regarding its purpose and construction methods. i got a file right in front of me that says it took about 30 million hours for stone age workers to build this mysterious stonehenge. That is three million seven hundred fifty thousand, eight hour work days. What is that like 10,000 years? Bullshit according to the guy who just knocked on my door the world is only 5000 years old and satan buried the dinosaur bones to trick us into not believing in god.
the Residents of Taos, New Mexico who have reported hearing a low-frequency humming sound, which has become a source of concern and annoyance. This phenomenon, known as the Taos Hum, has been experienced by a significant number of individuals, leading to a widespread investigation into its cause. Despite numerous efforts, the exact origin of the sound remains elusive, leaving residents frustrated and perplexed. The Taos Hum has been described as a persistent, droning noise that is often likened to the sound of a distant engine or generator. It is typically heard indoors, particularly at night, when ambient noise levels are lower. The sound has been reported to cause sleep disturbances, anxiety, and stress among affected individuals. The Taos Hum has garnered attention from various scientific and governmental bodies, with studies conducted to identify potential sources such as industrial equipment, power lines, and even physiological factors. However, these investigations have yielded inconclusive results, leaving the existence and nature of the Taos Hum shrouded in uncertainty. The lack of a definitive explanation has led to a sense of helplessness and frustration among residents, who are left to endure the persistent noise without any clear resolution in sight. As a result, the Taos Hum has become a source of significant discontent and dissatisfaction within the community. Despite the efforts made thus far, the inability to identify and address the cause of the sound has left residents feeling unsupported and disillusioned. The persistence of the Taos Hum serves as a constant reminder of the limitations of current scientific knowledge and the challenges faced in understanding and mitigating such phenomena. In conclusion, the low-frequency humming sound experienced by residents of Taos, New Mexico, known as the Taos Hum, remains a perplexing and unresolved issue. The impact of this persistent noise on the well-being of affected individuals cannot be understated, and the lack of a definitive explanation only exacerbates their frustration and distress. It is imperative that further research and resources are dedicated to unraveling the mysteries surrounding the Taos Hum, in order to provide much-needed relief and peace of mind to the residents of Taos.
Says right here in this file that a fellow named Toekuku is a millions year old demon who has a room next to the ice maker in hell. Which is directly underneath Taos, New Mexico. The USAF emits this tone because Toekuku hates the sound and he would rather stay in hell then suffer the tone for even just a second. I wonder what the suicide rate is in this town? Im a light sleeper. I couldnt do a constant noise no way in fucking hell. Whats the population of this town? 2?
The disappearance of Amelia Earhart? the famous aviator who vanished during a flight in 1937, has led to extensive search efforts and numerous theories about her fate.
Rex says She didnt disappear she is in a safe house in bose man. Has been for years she was in an abusive relation ship. It was a stunt double that you say in that plane. Amelia went into a salon and asked for an “angel cut” and an underground group of victims’ advocates snuck her to saftey. Noone ever heard from the stunt double that crashed amelias plane.
The Dyatlov Pass incident refers to the mysterious deaths of nine hikers in the Ural Mountains in 1959. The hikers, led by Igor Dyatlov, embarked on a winter expedition but never returned. Their bodies were found weeks later, under puzzling circumstances. Autopsies revealed that some had died from hypothermia, while others had suffered severe injuries. The tent they had been staying in was found torn from the inside, suggesting a hasty escape. Theories surrounding the incident range from avalanches to military involvement, but no conclusive evidence has been found. The case remains unsolved. It is advised to exercise caution when venturing into remote areas and to always be prepared for unforeseen circumstances.
That was the abominable snowman, well his real name is Hugo. he used to work for the agency and was experimented on by the government for being a homosexual. He was a cia asset collecting any intel in the tundras globally. Simple fact is hugo is now part ape, part man, part chewbacca. He was hungry and ripped a couple of guys to bits. So what? These things happen. One man was not accounted for; he was taken captive by the snow man then released a few weeks later. He reported that the snowman hugged him and squeezed him and called him george. The lone survivor who chose to remain nameless thinks the snowman might have mistaken him for a pet bunny rabbit. He also reported being rubbed and caressed by the snow man.
Don’t nobody knows this shit but me and a bunch of analysts, some aliens, lizard people and half of the pentagon. Simple fact is…the Beatles had michael jackson killed so they could buy back the rights to their records. i knew this shit but Agent Sanders’ file just confirms it. See one thing every body knows is michael bought up all the beatles master when the president of apple records lost them to michael in a card game in an underground casino at Neverland ranch. Paul Mccartney (Pardon my french, i misspoke, a robot disguised as paul mccartney. Cause one thing everybody knows is paul mccartney died in a car crash and steven spielberg and industrial lights and magic teamed up to make an animatronic paul with reverse engineered lizard people technology) asked michael to sell them back the masters and michael famously shined him.
I remember watching the news in the middle of the day when i should have been looking for a job and in the same programming on the same channel it cuts from a news flash that says “ new advancements tonight in the michael jackson death case” and then BOOM cuts to a commercial for beatles rock band video game and then the beatles box set in mono and on CD. michaels body wasnt even cold yet. But if you tell anyone i told you this shit and ill call you a fucking liar and never talk to you again. And ill take you off my christmas card list.
The oceans are attacking us back. You heard it here first folks. Killer whales sinking ships? Sea otters stealing surf boards? Need i remind you of the tiger shark that ATE that kid in Egypt? And he really ate that fucker too didnt he.
Rex says, Simple fact is, the ocean is sick of us. And i predict that there will be more to come. Hurricanes, tsunamis, angry angel fish, demented dog fish, crazy catfish… you see where im going with this Ellis.? Straws?
Yep.you guessed it. Straws. Plastic straws. The ocean is mad that we gave all these coke head sea turtles straws. Its throwing off the eco system. See, one thing everybody knows is cocaine is an appetite suppressant. Turtles are supposed to eat small fish. The small fish are supposed to eat the algae and the algae goes we, we, we, all the way home. Now there are too many small fish and not enough algae. And these turtles aint eating cause now they got straws and they are chopping up cocaine on each other’s shells and sniffing it with these plastic straws. See before sea turtles couldnt do cocaine cause they aint got no noses. They got holes for their noses. So now you put straws in the ocean and you bridge the gap between cocaine and a turtle’s nose holes. One thing everybody knows is turtles love cocaine. The cia tested it on them in Nicaragua in the 70s. And that was a big mistake cause next thing you know all hell breaks loose with the contras AND you got a bunch of co caine addicted turtles laying around. but thats a whole other story. You tell any body i told you this shit and ill call you a fucking liar and never talk to you again
up there in alaska they got a big old satellite dish that they use to control the weather. They send beams off the atmosphere and bounce it back down and it will send a hurricane to panama and make puerto rico shit its pants and send an earth quake to thailand and give belgium air born genital herpes.
Everybody who knows me knows i spotted a bigfoot behind a men’s room at a rest area off the I5 in the winter of 2004. He must have been in heat because he was crouched behind a garbage can furiously beating his dick, like it owed him money. I just saw two glowing yellow eyes and his big old sasquatch dick and he was going to town. I mean putting the Erking in jerking. Geary and eddy told me it was just a crumb bum who was in a truck stop sex ring but. let it be known. I saw a bigfoot jacking his big hairy dick at rest area off of I5 near olympia. one thing everybody knows is a big foot has yellow eyes. How do you explain the yellow eyes? Geary said it was because the guy had hepatitis C. i said i dont care if he hac Hippopotamus A,B and C, i dont care if his hippos are hungry or tired or scared… the Simple fact is, the bigfoot stared straight at me till he was done jacking off, winked at me and then ran off back into the woods. If i’m lyin i’m flyin and i dont got wings and i hate airplanes. So are you calling me a liar?
Chainsaw Magazine 