Many moons ago (pun intended) at the 2009 Cannes Film Festival King Khan Farted in the face of America’s sweetheart Lindsay Lohan. Today, he would like to apologize and offer her a free Tarot reading.
TAROT-RISM
by
King Khan
First Card…. What do people think of Lindsay?
The Death Card… (AKA L’Arcane Sans Nom) The world is watching a major transformation occuring in Lindsay. She must accept this change or else it will rot her soul. This mutation may turn this caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly but she must accept severing parts of her past and must push herself harder to catch up to the change, rather then letting the change catch up to her. Welcome to the cold clutches of adulthood and embrace the new day with open arms, Lindsay Lohan…. prepare yourself for the new you.
Second Card… What does Lindsay think of Herself?
The Star Card “L’Etoile”: On bended knee you bow down, you have nothing else to hide. Now you must find your place on this earth. You flesh and bones have been lent to you for just a fragment of time, it is time to treat your body as a temple. Surrender yourself to the blood in your veins and the meat on your bones, find your place NOW! All you can do is nourish yourself, let the divine light enter every pore of your body and allow you to enjoy the freedom in every breath you breathe.
Third Card… What Lindsay really is!!!!
The Judgement Card: The trumpets are blaring and have exposed everything. There is nothing left to hide. The resurrection may begin. You have been the devil’s voice and have spoken with the devil’s tongue. You have seen the true darkness of yourself and plunged deep into your soul exploring every crevice of both your masculinity and feminity. The time has come to embrace the light from the entire universe, plant a new tree and nourish it with meditation and joy. Use your self knowledge to unlock parts of you that have been suppressed. Feel the wings tear out of the flesh and be the angel that you were meant to be.
Prayer for Lindsay from the King….
As a fellow ex-convict, Lindsay I pray that your transformation maybe as painless as possible. May the angelic stay with you and may your demons lay beside you to rest for good. And may the brown memory of my ass in your face be the divine light that may guide you to being the best Hell’s Angel this planet has ever seen.
w/love and peace
King Khan
***
How King Khan got cramped
Sometime in the mid 90s three of the greatest rock ‘n’ roll bands of all time got together and went on tour the phenomenon known as guitar wolf from Japan, Detroit city’s finest demolition doll rods and mind melting, psychedelic rhythm and blues act the cramps I was just a wee lad probably about 19 years old. I had known the Demolition dollrods after playing with them in Toronto and in Montreal and I went early to the show and wrote a letter and left it on the door of their tour van. The letter read…
Dear Danny Dollrod,
This is black snake. I am here with the deadly snakes. I need to be put on the guest list for the cramps show. It seems to be sold out. We are living in Vancouver and we’re keen to see you guys rock out. please put Blacksnake +13 on the guest list.
-Blacksnake
I know this was a longshot, but who knows crazier things have happened in the past so there I was leaving this note under the windshield wiper of the van when I ran into a wonderful lady named poison ivy right behind her her incredible husband Luxe interior I looked at both of them almost shell shocked. I told poison ivy I was a good friend of candy Del Mar… Candy used to tuck me into her guest room couch bed as I would serenade her with jokey country songs with dirty lyrics. Poison ivy was happy to hear that candy Delmar was doing well. She was living in Brooklyn with Andy G from the Devil dogs.
After sharing a few words with poison ivy, Luxe interior looked at me and asked me what my name was. I told him my name was black snake, and he shook my hand feverishly and said that that was a fabulous name. since I was only 19 years old, I didn’t know what else to say so I mumbled something about loving comic books and ran away with my tail between my legs. That was my first interaction with the cramps..
On this crazy tour Steve Baise was the tour manager of guitar Wolff. Apparently he was only feeding them Kentucky Fried chicken and making them drink Jack Daniels every night. They had diarrhea most of that tour, but insisted on leading a devilish rock ‘n’ roll journey fueled by America’s most hateful products. I saw Steve Bass, whose bass playing was very influential in establishing what became the spaceshits sound we had been recording since 1995 when we showed up at the venue we cut in the front of the line. It was the spaceshits and some of the deadly snakes roaming into what was going to be a ruckus night of eating trucker speed and trying to get as much free drinks from the backstage as possible, since I was the only one who had the savvy to steal the backstage pass of Steve Basie I was able to sneak in and out of the backstage I didn’t want to look too obvious so I usually had just a few drinks tucked in my pants, ready to share with the 13 hungry guests that I had on the guest list. The show went by like lightning and finally after the cramps played I had a deep thirst so I went backstage this time guitar wolf were standing outside of the stage door and they told me that they weren’t even allowed backstage at this point because it was cramps quiet time. I laughed at that idea and whistled past them when I entered the backstage the cramps were sitting in the back room with an assortment of crazy looking, beatnik rock ‘n’ roll types, and the cramp sitting quietly in the middle of them, I looked at one side of the room and saw the cramps, and I looked on the other side of the room and saw a fresh can of Coca-Cola, beads of sweat started forming on my head when I decided that I wanted to rock the Coca-Cola more than to disturb the cramps when I reached for the Coca-Cola, I felt someone grabbed the neck of my shirt lift me up in the air carry me out and throw me out the backstage down a set of stairs guitar wolf we’re staring at me laughing telling me we told you black snake it’s cramps quiet time.
Later in my life, I put out records with IN the Red records back then they weren’t zionist record label. Larry was a man who lacked a spine, but was still eager to put out the best rock ‘n’ roll. He was very good friends with the cramps and was also helping them with their label, called vengeance records, Larry like to give all of his records to the cramps, but they seem to never like any of the bands on in the red except for the King Khan & BBQ show. I lost touch with Candy Del Mar for a while, but one person whom I respect probably more than anyone else in the world for being one of the true creators of punk rock was Nick Knox. The electric eels by far outpunked any of the bands at that time and Cleveland was truly one of the birthplaces of American punk rock. If you look at the numbers electric eels put out agitated in 1973 and I believe the Ramones had just started at that point though the Ramones can be credited for inspiring everyone to play at break neck speeds. I really think the electric eels and rocket from the tombs added a level of destructive noise and passion and poetry that was almost unmatched anywhere else in the world. Nick Knox particularly loved Archie and the bunkers. He adopted them as his grandchildren around the same time I had adopted them as my nephews so I inadvertently became related not by blood, but by punk kids Who gained the respect of one of the greatest punk icons to have walked this earth, though I never got to meet Nick knox in person I did speak to him on the phone a few times when I was hanging out with Archie and the bunkers when Nick knox’s found out that I knew Candy Delmar, he quickly asked me to connect them.
Apparently there were some unsaid troubles and he wanted to squash some old cramps beef. I am proud to have been the one to get them back together. Miriam Lina The original drummer of the cramps also had great relations with Nick Knox and the old Cramps veterans were reunited And I got to be somehow thrusted into the middle of it and be one of its instigators sadly, when Nick knox passed, he gave all his possessions to Archie and the bunkers. This included the original cramps hand painted bass drum skin. I had heard that Henry Rollins had started a $6 million punk Museum in Nashville, the most un punk place possible. He moved there for a tax shelter and found himself really wanting to make a tribute to the cramps. I made a shady deal between Archie and the bunkers and Henry Rollins and sold the original cramps drum for $10,000. Henry told me that he had been standing in front of that bass drum in 1978 when the cramps came to Washington DC and played for the hard-core kids. No one knew how to dance at that point so they didn’t know how to react so they kept pushing the cramps into the corner of the room at one point, Nick got really paranoid jumped on top of his bass Drum pulled out a knife and threatened to stab someone if they kept covering any closer I think the Washington DC kids had never seen anything like that although if you listen to some minor threat, they did cover some 60s bubblegum stuff so I think they were all kind of reveling in the fact that the cramps made 60s bubblegum stuff sound even older. The cramps could take a song like green fuzz and make it sound like it was recorded sometime in some crazy Texas Chainsaw massacre town like Lockhart, Texas. Amongst the other things in Nick, knox’s possessions was a slew of cassette tapes. Many of them were rehearsals from the cramps dating back to 1977. He had recorded shows of the gun club, New Year’s shows of the cramps and all sorts of different amazing audio documents. The best documents I found were the rehearsal tapes when you listen to it and you can hear poison ivy trying to figure out her sound as a guitar player. I think poison ivy and her simplicity almost added a Buddhist touch to the music, and it makes sense since she now has turned into an Indian woman named Bhava. I gave up western music a few years back and started studying sitar. This was after the fame of the “love you so” song and TikTok sung it 3 trillion times. I found out that poison ivy had an Instagram and was very thrilled to hear “Love you so” being pumped out in every commercial that she was following. in my first sitar release I released a song called “for the love of bhava”. Which was a tribute to poison ivy‘s transformation into being a complete Hindu. My dream was that I would play for her while she did yoga but that never came true because I was canceled by Larry Hardy’s Zionist record label. Larry Hardy stole $400,000 from the King Khan and BBQ show after he said he didn’t want any payment for the TikTok money he joined hands with revolver the worst distributor of rock ‘n’ roll music and they pillaged and stole $400,000 of the TikTok money later that money was also blocked from my hands because my family deemed it necessary for me to live in poverty homelessness and complete reckless abandoned to learn some kind of lesson which I never learned. I found out today that Henry Rollins is releasing a bunch of unreleased cramps Alex Chilton produced songs, and I just wanted to clear the air and explain my relationship with one of the most important bands in rock n roll history. The fact that I had something of a small nature to do with this whole re-cramping of the world makes me blush with pride. all of you people out there who give a shit about rock ‘n’ roll please stop buying In the Red products as they go to feed Larry Hardy and Robin Ginsburg, two huge Zionists who shit on Palestinian lives and have nothing to do with rock ‘n’ roll. Robin Ginsburg works for entertainment tonight and has all of the hills of Hollywood in her disgusting Botox face, Larry Hardy has been plucking his eyebrows shooting spicing his nuts and giving himself Brazilians with the money that he steals from bands that don’t sell any records, according to him whether it’s the cheater slicks or the spits or King Khan and BBQ, or the Demons claws we have all vowed never to work with Larry again if he doesn’t pay us our dues. You ever wonder why in the Red became a sellout grunge label with bands like Ty Segall and the OC’s he stopped not putting out any real rock ‘n’ roll because the money was better with the sellout bands, Larry Hardy is a shyster and should not be trusted. There are so many better rock ‘n’ roll labels out there anyways if you have any kind of morality then you will know that Larry’s wife is a staunch supporter of Israel and Zionism at this point anyone who supports such an ideology should be jailed because indeed they are the same mentality as John Wayne‘s colonialism and desire to punch out the native American movements, such as AIM. The time has come, we rock ‘n’ roll rollers should be well aware of the labels that they are supporting and their political beliefs. I have always been a man who believes that one should not judge art based on the behavior of the artist, but when it comes down to business one should certainly not support an industry that supports colonialism. It’s as simple as that one poor band that get thrown under the bus now as well is clone defects. They were the best band to come out of Detroit since the stooges, but they were ignored for a long time by many people in this world every time I saw Timmy come to Europe, he had to play in different outfits, but they were all amazing. Larry never supported most of Timmy’s genius because it didn’t sell well enough like bullshit oh-sees mosh rock. I told Timmy that I didn’t give a shit about in the Red wanting to re-release all of the clone defects records mainly because I love Timmy. I just find it sad that in the red is such an evil entity and now they’re drawing at short straws by releasing the old clone defects records, hoping that they will become hit making once again in this TikTok world, in any case, I love Timmy, he is by far one of the greatest psychedelic Masters of guitar and lyrics and consummate showman. Since the mission of chainsaw magazine is to bring the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about rock ‘n’ roll and this heinous world, I wanted you all to know the wonderful truth about how King Khan got cramped.
P.S. I think Chainsaw is a fantastic name for the magazine it reminds me of the ramones, the texas chainsaw massacre and the old chain saw punk zine by “Charlie Chainsaw” published in suburban Croydon in 1977, did you know he had A hand-lettered ‘n’ became a stylised trademark in articles after the ‘n’ key broke on the editor’s typewriter. In addition to a free flexi disc promoting two or three up-and-coming punk bands, 1980s issues featured cartoon strips and two innovative colour covers by Michael J. Weller. Some issues featured the cartoon strip ‘Hitler’s Kids’, authored by Andrew Marr using punk nom-de-plume “Willie D” at the beginning of his successful journalistic career. Charlie Chainsaw formed the band Rancid Hell Spawn when the punk zine discontinued.
Chainsaw Magazine 